Friday, March 27, 2009

wooooooooooooooooooo!!!

I AM SOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!

I'm finally graduating tomorrow... wow... I remember how I prayed the rosary everyday so many years ago to get into my university... and in less than 24 hours, I will be leaving the best university in the Philippines...

If you've listened to the show you might think I'm really celebrating another ocassion... and in truth, I am kind of celebratory in a sense... but not because of the reason that seems most apparent... yes, I am quick to jump in my own defense... because I don't really ever mean to offend... what you heard on the show was a tease to some really good friends of mine who are not really ishiyoshi believers but listen to my show anyway... I meant my congratulations well... i think proving anything is beyond me... I'm as stupid as an old boot...

I won't say that I like the other pair just to look unbiased... because i know i really am... and i've repetetively said that and explained myself even if i really don't have to because i don't want to be misunderstood anymore... i'm tired of that... i get tired so easily now...

anyway, that's that... If there is anymore to be explained, I am usually available, I'll gladly explain myself over and over because that's what I always do anyway but only to those who have further questions... except tomorrow because it's my graduation day...
==
on to other matters... this isn't to throw people off or anything... because i like talking with people... i like talking. period.

But there are times that it offends me to think that people come to me just because I seem the approachable type... I'm not saying that I know any better than the other person or anything... but if you want to know something and you want to know it from someone you think is credible, ask the person who you think is credible... don't come to me just because you're intimidated by the other source... I'm very sensitive but I endure injury to unbelievable proportions... I get offended easily but I don't usually answer directly... And just to say directly, because i'm just so tired of all ambiguity (except IshiYoshi's) if you want to know about IshiYoshi, as in knowledge, facts, logic and evidence, those are not with me... I am just as amateurish as most people who came in at around 2007... I don't know anything...

I was told that I should be more aggressive in posting the shenanigans that I find, regardless where else you people can read it... but I am still as afraid as when I began... I haven't gone too far from where I started... I speak more, yes, I do crazier things, yes, I try to reach out to others, yes, but that's just a little kid asking for confirmation... if you see what i see, and see it the way i do...

did i get it right this time?
did i hear it right this time?
did i read it right this time?
did i translate it right this time?


but i don't think i know enough to actually post stuff and own up to my interpretations...


i am in denial all the time... i know that...
i'm in denial that i'm really alone
i'm in denial that i can't do anything
i'm in denial that i can't live up to YOUR expectations
i'm in denial that i hate myself so much
i'm in denial that 'good night' caught me by surprise
i keep on telling myself that i saw it coming and i let it come just so i would look so helpless and hopeless because heck, i call myself hopeful


i read logs over and over and look at all the things i say to the people i talk to on irc...


i did that radioshow thing just to make myself believe that i do have a voice... and that i have something to say... but it's all just words... they're hollow... as hollow as me...


did you see me try?
did you even realize that i tried?


when you stopped looking, i stopped doing and it feel so wrong because that's not what's supposed to happen...


but they didn't stop looking... and in a way, i failed me...
i failed me because they came and saw nothing...

they say i should do things for me... but for what end?
shouldn't there be an end? a purpose...


what is the point of all this blogging? obviously, my function in here isn't to dish out info... because elsewhere does that...


i've already said here that i love ishiyoshi... isn't that what this blog is all about?... since i've said it, is that the end?


yeah, i live such a melodramatic, theatrical life... the world is a stage and everything else is vaudeville... there music, drama and comedy... and slapstick...


there's costumes, scripts and masks... and yet, i don't know which part to play...


there's that standstill moment, when you look for a cue but it isn't given to you... you wait... the play goes on without you... and you stand on the stage awkwardly, not knowing how to go with the flow... someone adlibs and you're in a worse position now. you think you know the story and go through the motions following the plot you've construed in your mind following context clues and whatnot and later you find out that you're out of context...


and then the curtains fall, the backdrops change, your part had gone past and you weren't able to act it out...


damn.


then, just wash the makeup away, away with the costumes and masks and scripts... away with the anchors and take flight home... and face the laptop in the dark studio... ishiyoshi is waiting... and yet, they don't know we're here...

...
so much for that word salad... this is the only functional blog of mine... the others... are novelty and memorabilia...

i'm not the type to throw things away...even the most horrible and useless pieces of just as long as there is a bit of nostalgia in them...

i'mma skip away from things that are not for me... i just can't be so... unemotional...

an unemotional tru is ... well... un-tru...

my thing... unless someone objects, threaten me with a knife or whatever... will disappear... i don't like pretenses... i don't need false compassion... thanks for the boulder thrown at my face 7 months ago... i perfer it to the little pebbles of late...

i've been wishing for death for years but never really got to point anything dangerous to my own body... i was in a car that flipped over... and i didn't feel death coming to get me... i'm a weed... i love myself too much... and when the world sees no sense in my life, it all makes no sense to me too XD... maybe that's why i write such crap... ... i don't read things as long as this post... so i don't understand what's going on.. i jump so quick that i get burned just as quick... turn a blind eye if you wish not to see... i will not hide for the safety and health of your eyes

3 comments:

Yankii Heart said...

Congrats again in the GRADUATION, GIRL!!!

You deserve it...

On the other matter... All I can say is that growing up is a b*tch with PMS and you just have to get used to been let down. Just don't let that take over your life...

HUGS!!

Happy Partying!!!

tru_harmony said...

gawd i am soooo looking forward to the day we can meet and bust our lungs together XD

thanks for the congratulations...

that crazy ass post was so long i forgot that it was really about my graduation XD

Yankii Heart said...

In all truth, that would AWESOME you know... So we can finally plan the kidnap- I mean so we can finally talk face to face XDDDDDD